Rona Pollona: Best Song to Come Out of the Pandemic

It’s 2020 and the country is in full lockdown. The toilet paper apocalypse is underway and you can’t buy pasta because that’s all gone, too. Many sewists take to making masks for healthcare workers and regular folk because all the N95 masks have been bought up. Between not being able to buy toilet paper, masks, hand sanitizer, latex gloves, and the price gouging going on, things are weird but not too crazy. There’s a sense of unity and solidarity. Crime has gone down and pollution is definitely down because no one is driving. Even though both Democrats and Republicans are heavily politicizing the pandemic during what is an election year, and every channel is news with a big virus graphic on it, it seems like everything might be okay. That is until a cop kills a man by resting his knee on his neck and all hell breaks loose. 2020 sucked.

Artists start making songs about COVID-19. Even The Rolling Stones release an older song not about the pandemic, but it sort of relates to the times (“Living in a Ghost Town”). Death Cab for Cutie’s Ben Gibbard is actually one of the first artists to write specifically about COVID with the incredibly depressing song “Life in Quarantine”. At first, Jensen McRae’s 2021 song “Immune” sounds like something that came out of the 90’s about heroin use, but alas, it’s about getting vaccinated.

No, the very best song to come from the pandemic is Ghost of Vroom’s 2020 single “Rona Pollona”. It. Is. Brilliant. And it’s not in many of the lists (Forbes, Chicago Tribune) major publications have put together about COVID songs. The Stones are in them, but they didn’t write that song about COVID. It is a crime if you haven’t heard this song! Video and lyrics below. Enjoy!

[Verse 1]
Don’t touch the box, don’t touch the shelf
Don’t touch the people, don’t touch yourself
Lysol sprayed on the wheel
No hugging, no shaking, hand-holding, no feel
Savoir faire
Pikachu pillowcase mask, looking debonair
Conversating with an Amazon bot
Whataburger drive-thru dressing like an astronaut

[Chorus]
Do the Rona Pollona, yes
You do the Rona Pollona
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
You’re never knowing it if you’re doing it right
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
If you’re doing it right

Fuck that curve, fuck Mnuchin
If I was a kid, I’d find me a store to loot
Chin up! At least you learned to use the phone
Soderburgh reboot of Home Alone’s what you live
Don’t watch the vain man who can’t forgivе
Jesus would, for the common good
I’ve got thе mask on, I’m laying in the cut
At the Dunkin’ like an extra in Eyes Wide Shut
[Chorus]
Do the Rona Pollona (Yeah)
You do the Rona Pollona, right
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
You’re never knowing it if you’re doing it right
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
If you’re doing it right, if you’re doing it right

[Verse 3]
Homer in the hedges, scrub down the edges
Voice is in your head like a lil’ tiny Cardi B
On the ledge with a box of wipes next to me
If I jump, they’ll scrape me up
Throw me in sanitized SuperGulp cup
Come correct with a stimulus check
And buy a yellow Esteem I’m unsure when
But I’ll jet before they close down France again
You know it

(Totally)
(I’m saying)
(That’s what I’m saying)
(Uh, yeah, yeah)

[Chorus]
Do the Rona Pollona, uh
You do the Rona Pollona
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
You’re never knowing it if you’re doing it right
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
If you’re doing it right
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
You’re never knowing it if you’re doing it right
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
If you’re doing it right, if you’re doing it right
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
You’re never knowing it if you’re doing it right
You won’t know it if you’re doing it right
(If you’re doing it right)